“I don’t know, whatever you want.”

A harmless phrase I’ve let take over my life. My passive personality takes over in everything I do. My head tells me that having an opinion is selfish; it tells me not to speak out because someone might get mad; it tells me everyone else comes before me because I shouldn’t be selfish.

But useless arguments with my sister have become annoying.

“What do you want for dinner?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You’re choosing.”

Such a simple question and for some reason I can’t answer it. Why is expressing my opinion so hard? I could understand if I was making a life-altering decision, but I’m choosing what we eat for dinner.

She gets so frustrated with me, but she doesn’t understand. Sharing her opinion is easy with her aggressive personality. And when I try, all that comes out is another “I don’t know.”

It’s so much easier to let her decide I have no responsibility for the choice if the food is bad or if it takes 30 minutes to order. I’m not the one to blame and I didn’t upset anyone. I’m not being selfish because I let her decide what we ate. In my mind, I’m just being nice.

I do what I can to please everyone. I put others before myself because I want to see their happiness even if I’m sacrificing my own. If I disagree with them, they might get mad. If I tell them “no,” I’ll look mean and like I don’t want to help them out, so I add something else to my already full plate.

But sacrificing the things I want and my time is getting old. As much as I love seeing other people happy, I hate seeing myself suffer.

And even if it seems useless, Kristen forcing me to choose what we eat for dinner is a baby step. I’ll always be passive, I’ll always try to put others before me, I’ll always struggle to tell people “no,” but at least one day I’ll at least be able to go out to eat with someone and pick the restaurant.