I knew exactly who I wanted to be.  I knew everything about my life before it happened.  I knew I was ready to grow up, to be an adult.  I was ready.  Nothing could hold me back.

I was ready for life, until life hit, until life scared me.   Stop everything.  I wish I could go back to where I could curl up on my mom’s lap, and when I had to hold my dad’s hand to cross the street.   I wish I could talk to my sister in our room every night again.  I wish I could have one more family Sunday lunch with my MeNaw and my cousin. I wish I could go back to when my grandpa didn’t have to lose his hair and didn’t have to take chemo treatments.

Stop this train of life.  I want to go back.  For too long I wished my childhood away.  I got my wish when I wanted everything to pause.

I’m so afraid that I’ll make the wrong decision, say the wrong thing, do something I regret.  I want my family to keep making choices for me.  I want to still rely on them.

Everyone around me assures me that I will be just fine, that I will know what to do, that Bailey will shine through.  This encouragement echoes around me.  Why don’t I listen?

My life scares me.

I refuse to let it scare me anymore.  My mom is a short drive away.  My dad is a simple call away.    My sister is a friend I will never lose.  My MeNaw and cousin are a prayer away.  My grandpa’s laugh is just a visit away.

My life is moving faster than I want it to, but I wouldn’t trade the past 17.  My family loves me too much for me to hold back and not make my own way.   Things will never be the same.  I can’t stop this train, but I have much better memories to create, much more time with my family, many more people to love.

My life was clear until that moment when I had to make decisions.  Everything that was once so clear became cloudy.  My future may not be as clear as a perfect, blue sky. But sometimes, the prettiest and most perfect thing about a sky are the clouds.  I’ll miss the clarity about home and life, but I look forward to my clouds and riding this train.