by Jessica Waddle.

Our conversation is lighthearted. I talk to my Aunt Christi every now and then, stealing quick ‘I love you’s’ between my work schedule and newspaper deadlines and her book signings and interior design classes.

We talk about my cousin’s Joseph’s ASU acceptance and my awards and scholarships.

“ I’m so happy for you Jess. Are you still going to school in Conway?”

My heart sinks as silence emanates from my side of the phone. I quickly bounce back.

“Well, I have the scholarship to Pulaski Tech and money from the state and a private scholarship,” I said “So I think that’s the direction I want to go.”

“ I really don’t think that’s what you want,” she said.

In all honesty, it’s not what I want. The $1,250 scholarship from UCA is barely significant compared to the scholarship from Pulaski Tech, $1,000 and $2,250 worth of lottery money.

The impulse decision vs. the smart decision.

“ It isn’t, but hey, I think I made the smart choice,” I said. “I promise I’m not limiting myself.”

“Jessica, I think you are. I know that and I’m pretty sure you know it too.”

My cheeks start to burn.

“Are you mad?”

I can’t answer her honestly. I play pretend and tell her I love her and no, I’m not mad.

On the inside, I’m mad because it’s my decision to make.