by Evan Goodrich.

In my mind, the future was always an intimidating concept. It meant the unknown, uncertainty, insecurity. I’ve always clung to the past and present, the times that, for me, meant warmth and familiarity.

Now that I am nearing my final years of adolescence, my final year of high school, the future and adulthood seem to always be looming over me, a dark unknown force. I think that most teenagers must go through their own times of inner turmoil when it comes to letting go of the past and accepting future and the change that is sure to come with it.

There are often times when I grow impatient for change and long to escape my current state, in the hopes that I can attain the future that I want. I see myself far from Arkansas, in university, hopefully creating art, what I love most. I like to see myself with the love of my life, a certain boy I’ve written about perhaps far too much.

But my rational side always kicks in. What if that isn’t what my future holds in store for me? What if my future isn’t enough for me? What if my future isn’t what I imagined it to me? And, the fear that hurts the most, what if it’s actually worse than my present? It could mean staying in Arkansas, not being able to pursue the career I want most, and not getting the boy I’ve longed for.

Whereas adolescence is a time where mistakes are welcome, adulthood has always felt like a time where I cannot make mistakes, a time where I cannot screw up.

More than anything I find myself praying that the people dearest to me won’t leave me alone to take on the future. I often find myself praying that fate will allow them to stay with me.

These fears plague my mind and so I cling to the certainty of the past and present, the security of the now. It makes me wonder how all the seniors graduating must feel, to let go of such adolescence, a part of life where you’re allowed to be reckless and selfish, and take the first steps toward becoming an adult. I wonder what changed them to make them strong enough to walk into the future.

I want to be like them, to be able to walk into the future with a brave face. I won’t say that I’ve had some mind-blowing revelation that has made me see the light and allowed me to face the future. I still am trying to accept the fact that things are going to dramatically change soon. All I can do is hope that I’ll be able to rely on the strength my friends and loved ones give me, and that they’ll never let me go into the darkness alone.