**This is not supposed to be taken seriously. This is satire. Look it up.

WASHINGTON, D.C.-  Growing more and more unsatisfied with current reproductive rights, several people across the country voiced their concerns to local sources yesterday in hopes to bring about reform.

“I just don’t understand,” Mary, mother of Jesus, said. “Why would anyone ever want to get rid of a potential baby?”

Mary, also known to locals as “the Virgin Mary” to differentiate her from more promiscuous counterparts, has been seen protesting outside various Planned Parenthoods around town. Mary’s loud opinions have not gone unheard; city noise ordinances have been broken several times by Mary and her followers in the past week.

“People are so lazy nowadays,” Mary said. “Back in my day, people would be dying to have a baby. A baby was a real treasure. Now, if the baby inconveniences the mother in any way, shape or form, abortion comes into question. Where’s the emotion? Call me old-fashioned, but I believe pain and struggle builds character.”

Mary was a victim of unexpected pregnancy. However, after giving birth to her son, she stated that having the child gave her “a lifetime of happiness.”

“[Giving birth to] Jesus was the best thing to ever happen to me,” Mary said. “He was just the most adorable 8 lb., 6 oz. newborn infant that my eyes ever saw. The second I heard him make a noise, I completely forgot about the nine months of pregnancy. I witnessed Jesus grow up to be a wonderful, successful man. He’s done so much good in the world. Now imagine if I had aborted him. Where would the world be now? I can’t bring myself to destroy good potential. That’s immoral.”

Though Mary expressed disapproval of pregnancy termination, others showed praise and joy. Gordon Ramsay, acclaimed chef and regular at various anger management therapy sessions, thinks there are benefits of abortion in a different species.

“It’s safe to say that, without fish abortion, I wouldn’t be where I’m at right now,” Ramsay said. “Abortion gives us a rich, new delicacy: fertilized caviar. A lot more nutty, slightly more squishy in texture, this upgraded counterpart is packed with flavor.”

The “Hell’s Kitchen” star is infamous for his caviar, or fish egg, cravings. Ramsay was spotted in Spain on a diving excursion for the sole purpose of finding and exploiting laid fish eggs, eyewitnesses reported.

“There’s nothing wrong with taking the mother’s eggs for my culinary benefit,” Ramsay said. “There’s nothing immoral about it, mate. It’s not like those fish were going to live fulfilled lives; they’re going to be processed for food anyway. Might as well take advantage while they’re still in development. That’s where the flavor is.”

Ramsay added, “We’re all animals at the end of the day. Why should our lives have any more value than a fish? Planet Earth is getting pretty full. Abortion is mother nature’s birth control, and with that being said, it’s time to reduce the serving sizes.”

While many people fall between the black and white side of the reproductive rights issue, others find themselves in the centrist mindset. One such person, Pope Francis, believes that the matter is more than just a choice.

“The human is not free of the Lord’s Will,” Francis said. “As the old saying goes, ‘Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.’ We just have to let go and let God. If conviction states that the unborn be born, then so be it and vice versa. His understanding is greater than ours will ever be. All praise to the most high.”

The sovereign over Vatican City and head of the Holy See is known for his lax nature and easygoing personality. Despite division in the Christian faith, Francis is able to maintain his optimism and strong faith in the Father.

“At the Catholic Church, we offer this thing called confession,” Francis said. “It works wonderfully. Sure, our priests may get tired of hearing people’s problems, but we still do it out of love. Abortion or not, we as part of the church will show love to all. Pregnancy is a complicated process, physically and emotionally. All I can do is pray the Lord gives guidance to those in need. In the end, who am I to judge?”