**This is not supposed to be taken seriously. It is satire. Look it up.

HALIFRENE, WA

With 2017 approaching, slam poet Meg Reddington and classic novel reader/coffee enthusiast Stephen De la Vega discussed how much 2016 was a “bummer” and that next year will be “the best year yet” during a Tuesday night small group.

“A lot of things didn’t go my way this year,” Reddington said. “I’m ready to be a new person living under a new theme, one of revitalized hopes and dreams.”

Reddington poured out all of her ambitions and expectations during the emotional session Tuesday night. A number of peers were quick to comfort her. De la Vega was one of them.

“I’ve never related to someone so much ever before,” De la Vega said. “It’s been a tough year for sure. Hearing Meg share her rough experiences and plans for this next year really touched my heart. For what it’s worth, I wasn’t exactly the best person this year. I screwed up. I made mistakes. But I can’t wait to move on and leave all the baggage behind. 2017 will be my year to shine. I’m ready to take back control over my life.”

Twitter and Facebook experienced all-time highs in activity from Reddington’s accounts. A series of inspirational status updates flooded social media minutes after small group dismissed. Though most of her peers appreciated the posts, some were bothered by constant approval.

“This happens every single year, and I’m getting kind of tired of it,” Father Time said. “I’m all for change, but come on. I might have to stop the flow of time for a while so some people can learn to be content with who they are at the moment. Change happens naturally. There’s no need to announce that you’re going to “be better” next year. Get over yourself, Meg.”

A few others shared Father Time’s opinions. Local gym owner and personal trainer Mark Powell reported to sources that though fitness levels usually spike around the new year, he gets frustrated seeing the same people leave and come back year after year without having made “any gains.”

“The gym is a special place,” Powell said. “There’s nothing more infuriating to me than these people who come in and do half an hour of pumpin’ biceps, take a picture, and then leave only to come back months down the road. I want to make people look good and feel good, but I can’t do that if they only come in for maybe a week before they give up. Where’s the commitment, bro?”

Despite criticisms, Reddington and De la Vega both have remained positive. The previous year proved to be a challenge for the pair; however, they feel as if any obstacle can now be overcome.

“You’re always going to come across negative Nancys,” Reddington said. “It’s in those times that I really have to keep my head up high and just do me. Some people just can’t handle me and my progressive personality. Sorry that I’m not some static rock. I embrace change. Metamorphosis.”

Optimism never felt so good in De la Vega’s life. The 2017 year will truly be one for the books for the Jane Austen fanboy.

“Just because this year was a bummer doesn’t mean I have to be prejudiced to the coming year,” De la Vega said. “New year, new me. I’m letting go of any pride that I may have and accept whatever is thrown at me. If 2017 is good, I can only imagine what 2018 will bring.”