**This is not supposed to be taken seriously. This is satire. Look it up.

VISTA BONITA, CA

In honor of the monthly Pride Fest downtown, senior color guard captain Geoff Amox-Young recently reported to local sources that he has come out as a “heterosexual cisgender male” and that he “is comfortable in his body.”

“It’s been something I have been struggling with for a long time, and there have been times where I was ashamed of my orientation,” Amox-Young said.

The news of Amox-Young coming out shocked the community. His reveal even came as a surprise to his mother, Melissa Young. The spunky accountant was at a loss for words.

“I always knew my little Geoff was different, but I would have never guessed he was such an oddity,” Young said. “He always tried to be like everyone else so he could appeal to people, so of course him coming out kind of caught me by surprise. I guess there is a bit of a bad boy rebel in Geoff, going against the social norm.”

Amox-Young was initially scared to reveal his true identity, but after participating in Pride Fest downtown, he knew that it was time.

“I just grew tired of hiding who I am from my friends and family,” Amox-Young said. “The world needs more blessings, and I feel that me coming out was one. If everyone in the world was the same, this place would get boring real quick. I am adding some diversity.”

Friends of Amox-Young were supportive of his decision. Fellow color guard member Lydia Hershel expressed her feelings towards Amox-Young, and they were anything but negative.

“He wasn’t somebody I’d expect to be straight,” Hershel said. “Since the day I met Geoff I had the biggest crush, but I just assumed he was homosexual, because he had that aura around him. Now he comes with this good news. Well I just became the luckiest girl in school.”

The positive feedback Amox-Young received gave him a new sense of confidence. Acceptance and love ran rampant across the community. Amox-Young has never felt better.

“So many opportunities have opened up for me ever since I announced that I am heterosexual and cisgender,” Amox-Young said. “Everyone has been so loving and accepting of me, and I could not be happier. I’m glad that I live in a community that promotes openness. Y’know, I realized that I can’t hide forever. The Good Father above knows who I am already and He loves me, so why hide?”

Coming out was a tough decision for Amox-Young, but nonetheless, he felt like it was the right thing to do.

“I was born this way, and nothing can change that,” Amox-Young said.