The Masters is a time for all golf lovers to rejoice. But for many of us, the thought of spending hours watching awkward practice swings and listening to whispering commentators is hard to find intriguing. That is why I challenged myself to watch 15 minutes of the Masters. Here were my thoughts.

Why is it called a “golf clap?” Why don’t they just regular clap?

How does calling it a “birdie” or whatever make any sense? Why is it not called a “loopty-poop” when it swirls the rim but doesn’t go in? As long as we are naming the shots over things that sound weird, this one should for sure make the cut. Loopty-poop over bogey any day.

Why do all of the golfer’s names sound like crappy department store designers or small businesses? Ex: Sergio Garcia

Why are all the caddy/ball boys wearing solid white? It’s like they are asking for grass stains or really wanting a Clorox bleach sponsorship. Possibly both.

One of the breaker shots was of a turtle swimming. So far that is the only part I have understood.

Why do they keep putting “thru” instead of “through” on the screen? I’m concerned about their spelling level.

The color blocking outfits have to stop, golfers. Throw on a scrunchie or some leg warmers and you are in the 80s again.

Did Michael Jackson steal the one white glove thing from the Masters? How badly would it affect results if they were rhinestoned?…take note, Masters 2017…

All of these shoes are boring me. Someone should wear Heelys.

Do people have to bring their own chairs or are they rentals or are they provided or what?

I feel like these golfers all have OCD. The amount of practice swings is too darn high. Like the amount of times I have to close a door until I do it right. Or turning off my curling iron until I KNOW it’s off.

Why is there not a Masters hype guy? Someone hits the ball and you just hear “YEET” echoing in the background. That would be majestic.

If one of the golfers was sponsored by Krispy Kreme, could they wear the cool paper hats?

There should be a “Bet On It” reenactment. I feel like this needs some Troy Bolton, teenage angst to spice things up.

How many people have been injured due to golf balls going rogue? What about the fish that get hurt when it goes in the water? Do medical bills get covered? What about medical gills? Does the golfer owe them a new fish? I’m concerned.
Overall, I would give the Masters a 4/10 on amusement and a strong 8/10 for confusion. All in all, I have no idea why this is happening, but I will have to add some new pastels to my wardrobe.