Alana Mann is many things. A freshman. Quiet. Shy. Reserved. She is among the many faceless peers passed in the halls daily. And many may not even know that she exists. But Mann is more than the quick judgments placed upon her. She is a survivor of a lifetime of tragedies.
“My mother Keah was funny, kind, and extremely intelligent. Basically an awesome person,” Mann said as she began to share her story. “She was once an ice skater who won a ton of medals and awards. She was very pretty and my dad says I look just like her. She died when I was 13.”
“To be honest, it’s kind of difficult to remember her because when she passed away, I was crushed and tried my best to ignore the situation,” Mann said. “I found my mom in the bathroom with a plastic bag and a bottle of spray paint. She’d spray the paint in the plastic bag and inhale the fumes. I asked her why she was doing it and she replied ‘This is to help me with my sinuses’. I thought it was strange, but as the time I didn’t know that what she was doing was dangerous.”
With the loss of one parent, Mann began to shut herself away, preferring to be lost in the world of music than deal with the pain.
“I’d stay on my mom’s phone watching YouTube videos, playing games or listen to music. Just so I could get away from others and get my mind off of everything.My dad would try to tell me about my mom, and at the time, I actually enjoyed hearing stories about what my mom was like in the past. Now I don’t really like it when anyone talks about her in any way,” Mann said. “It still makes me furious when he says stuff like ‘your mom used to love doing this,’ or ‘your mom used to come here all the time’.”
Mann not only struggled with the death of her mother, but also with school. Even before her mother’s passing Mann had a hard time focusing and fitting in.
“I have A.D.D, so I tend get off track a lot and my mind will be set on several different things at once. I was doing all right first through second grade. Then in third grade, I went to North Heights Elementary School and my teacher told me I had to repeat the grade. I was transferred to Pike View Elementary School and started fourth grade there. God I hated that school. They’d make us wear uniforms, and we were not allowed to wear jackets that didn’t match the color of the uniform. I’d get in trouble a lot because I always wore this gray jacket. I wore it because it made me feel less fat, and it made me feel secure and I still have it.”
“The second time I failed was in seventh grade. I failed because at the time I just moved to Benton and for about a week, I was still going to Henderson Middle School in Little Rock,” Mann said. “I started going to Bryant Middle School towards the end of the year. I was struggling at first because at Henderson I was on different subjects and stuff. At Bryant, my classes were way ahead. I was just so confused about everything. Quite a few people here at Bryant High School question why I am a 16, almost 17-years-old, in ninth grade. I do feel awkward about being older than the other ninth graders.”
With a combination of loss, school stress, social anxiety, and low self-confidence, Mann has already faced darkness throughout her life. But the complication of life she has dealt with doesn’t end there.
“I have an older brother named Cameron. He has severe autism,” Mann said.
Autism is a mental condition diagnosed in young children. People with autism tend to struggle with establishing relationships and effectively communicating with those around them.
“Cameron and I, we got along sometimes. He’s a pretty smart and silly person. Cameron is really good at remembering names. Once you tell him your name, he’ll never forget it,” Mann said as she spoke fondly about her brother.
“For a while I was afraid of my brother. Not because he was different, it was because he would hurt me. My brother is like 6-feet-tall and is pretty huge, over 200 maybe even 300 pounds. His nails were terribly sharp. A couple times my brother had grabbed my arm so tight his nails dug into my skin and I bled.” Mann said.
“What triggers my brother to harm me is when he is around and I’m in trouble with my dad. My brother attacks me. I was terrified when my dad was getting upset with me. Part of my fear was because of my dad being upset, but most of it was because I was afraid of what my brother would do. My dad would get mad at me for not defending myself and he’d get mad because I showed signs of fear of my brother,” Mann said.
Her brother now lives independently, and has no longer been violent with her.
This led to an in-depth conversation on her surviving parent, her father Bert F. Mann, author of Brick by Brick: the story, art and poetry of Bert F. Mann.
“I will admit that I love him [my father], but I just would not want to stay in one place with him. There was one time I remember I was sitting on the couch with my dad, and he was talking to me about his childhood,” Mann said. “He told me things about his dad, which is my grandfather whom I’ve never met. He was even talking about where he used to live. And I remember him saying he was afraid because he knew that I was going to grow older and grow to hate him. And I told him that I would never hate him. I was probably 6 or 7 when this happened. I told him I’d always love him. My dad confuses me a lot.”
Her relationship with her father has significantly grown to be positive over the course of time.
Alana Mann is many things. A freshman. A girl who has lost her mother. A girl who feels disconnected from the world around her. But from the pain and sorrow she has dealt with in her 16 years of life, she has become more than these terms. She has become a survivor.
