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Full Potential

Sebastian Diaz, Columnist

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**This is not to be taken seriously. This is satire. Look it up.

NEW YORK CITY-  Discovering the favoritism of strict monogamy by humans, extraterrestrials from the Zeta Reticuli star system made their first public appearance at the U.N. Headquarters late this morning, sources reported.

“Why limit yourself to one partner when you have endless possibilities?” Xeron, ambassador to Earth, said.

News about mankind’s preference for exclusive two-party relationships reached the star system a few days ago, but the aliens needed time to respond. Extraterrestrial reactions were the same across the board: shocked, surprised, but understanding nonetheless.

“At first, we were all kind of stumped as to why humans engaged in this kind of behavior, but we had to remember that mankind hasn’t reached our level of  societal evolution yet,” Xeron said. “These cute two-sided relationships just don’t make sense when you’re an advanced, quasi-galactic civilization. At our level, we understand what love is and have it defined. We aren’t scared to explore our interests–it’s encouraged.”

World leaders at the U.N. conference were baffled, even embarrassed, by the alien commentary. Moments after introductory statements were made, the Reticulans opened the floor for discussion. There was a flood of questions, but some leaders were quick to praise the other-beings. President of the United States, Donald Trump, congratulated the extraterrestrials in their attempt to educate and progress mankind.

“These are good people, the best people,” Trump said. “My perspective–now changed by the healthy discussion today–was sad! Monogamy was never meant for such a genius and revolutionary like me. No wonder I’ve gone through two divorces and several failed relationships; I was playing the game wrong. The Reticulans showed me that if we want to make America great again, we need to empower the lovers of America to seek their interests. America first! America first!”

Some were quick to dismiss the President’s comments. Weston Aggerfield, New York City resident and romantic, argued that people are more civilized because they keep their pursuits under control.

“If we just went out and pursued every love interest we had–while keeping every single one–people would be no different than the cavemen of antiquity,” Aggerfield said. “There is good reason we keep to our monogamous relationships: it’s easier to measure our love. The more partners one has, the harder it is for an outsider to tell if all parties are acting in love or just operating in lust. Monogamy is efficient and all-in-all a lot more secure.”

Despite human criticism, the beings from the other planet dismissed the comments as “naive childish banter,” stating that mankind, as a whole, is not ready to climb the next step on the societal ladder.

“You guys are just super insecure about your feelings,” Xeron said. “It’s kind of frustrating to know how much potential mankind has, but of course, your incompetence is getting in the way. Hopefully in due time, humans will be able to realize the breadth of love and its ability to manifest itself in different forms.”

Xeron added, “Sure, I may have 15 partners, but I love them all very dearly. I know what love is, and my society knows as well. One form of it isn’t more valid than the other. Love doesn’t have double standards.”

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